A Fight with my wife

this is a free form grammar-ignorant open letter apology to my wife.

your comments are not required 

 "Why is she mad at me?" 

 I couldn't figure it out, laying in the bed bawling my eyes out. 

 you see, we had been yelling at each other for about 45 minutes before 

i devolved into a puddle of useless temper tantrum and 

screamed at her to leave me alone. 

you had to be there.. it was pathetic. 

but the fact is, I don't really know what i was yelling about. 

I had to defend myself from an onslaught of emotion 

brought upon me by my own ignorance. 

I was ignorant of your feelings. of your words.. 

not all of them though.. I pick and choose.. 

that's how I justify it, and its not fair to you or 

anyone else that I ignore on a daily basis. 

I don't know how I caught it last night, 

because I was still kind of mad and ready to talk back 

maybe I had a bit more patience this time 

you deserve this much, i think 

I told you to quit. 

that was easy for me to say. 

because that means I don't have to do it. 

let me explain. 

it was probably the 5 or 6th time that evening 

going back in forth, voices escalating each time. 

I know you love me because 

your patience with me is unbelievable at times. 

maybe not with everything but that's beside the point. 

I cant quote you, but it was something about 

not wanting to leave me behind. 

like a soldier. like some stupid war movie. 

no. not stupid. 

I'm the fool in this movie. 

not every time.. but this time. 

I tell people I like action. not words. 

but I stopped acting a long time ago. 

I used to fight and now I'm complacent, 

but certainly not comfortable. 

drip fed tiny concessions and super cool perks! 

look and see all they have done for us! 

but forget about anything we've asked for. 

respect, communication, a living wage! 

okay sure.. I get a living wage. 

we have one and a half cars between us 

we need new tires, 

I need to do oil changes 

how much longer is the cobalt going to last us? 

we need a fucking car. 

on that note. 

Why if I'm paid "so well" have I 

never been able to afford more than the cheapest POS on the lot? 

I'm not a super flashy guy 

I don't need a corvette. 

we don't need the best, 

but I'm tired of settling for "entry level" 

because we're not "entry level" 

there is no reason that we should have to eat 

ramen noodles or peanut butter on the regular. 

I was raised to believe that if 

I'm the hardest working MF in the room 

I will be taken care of by 

the people I'm working for. 

So I became the hardest working MF in the room. 

I got a little bit more money for it. 

I got a little bit more stress for it. 

I could handle it though, so I will push harder. 

coworkers asked me Why? 

and told me "you're making us look bad" 

but that extra 1.50 on my paycheck was enough for me to say 

"You're making yourself look bad! why don't you try harder?" 

I look back now and I know I was the asshole. 

So every day, I try to be better. 

Some days are harder than others. 

some days I say shit that I really don't mean. 

some days I yell about some dumb shit I had to do 

and I yell at you, and my "excuse" is unacceptable. 

and that's not why I'm angry.

yes I'm depressed.. dysthymic, really. 

I have been for a very long time. 

I've tried a bunch of drugs, 

and I've tried talking to my therapist. 

I will continue to try them, 

but I truly believe they wont help me. 

I have an intrinsic desire/ need to be self sufficient. 

Every day the crushing reality that I am 

dependent on the whim of a few wealthy people and 

whatever they feel like making me do. 

wherever they can hold me down. 

harness me. make sure I'm a good boy.

maybe ill get a treat. 

or maybe I die just to spite them. 

but I wont do that now. 

I have you! 

I promise to never leave you alone. 

I promise to listen to you when you speak. 

I promise that whatever happens in our 

immediate to long term future 

I will have your back. 

My life is dedicated to you and 

anything/body we create together. 

My life is not dedicated to my job, and 

I'm sorry that my monetary priorities have driven a wedge between us. 

It is my goal to rectify the situation. 

You've been trying, 

and I've been watching from the sidelines 

and it breaks my heart, 

knowing full well what you're up against. 

And I know you cant do it alone. 

Neither can I. 

Maybe WE can. 

Maybe we need more people 

You know I don't get super excited about maybe. 

BUT I do get excited about you. 

every day I wake up next to my favorite person. 

it can be difficult to see that through the dead expression 

I've been cultivating over the past decade 

to keep others away. 

but I don't want to send you away. 

I need you to keep asking about my day, 

even when I don't want to talk about it. 

I need you to help me out of the funk I'm in. 

I need you to be patient with me. 

I need to be patient with you. 

Because I fuckin' love you. and 

I just can't wait until I can spoil you properly.